I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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