It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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