I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
