Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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