I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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