forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
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