I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
