Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
