my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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