Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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