So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
