I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
