he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
