**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
