so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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