So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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