70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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