God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
