He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize