I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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