Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
