I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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