So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
