So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
