I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
