I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
