I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
