Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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