Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
