They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
this just has baby written all over it
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
