Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
