she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
