I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
