Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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