I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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