I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Someone signed my nipple.
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