Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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