I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
