last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
