I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
