His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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