best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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