haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
