I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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