All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
