She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize