i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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