Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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