You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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