hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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