90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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