shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
