Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
