saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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