Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
