so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
