...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
