i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
