There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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