When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
