So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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