Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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