Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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