Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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